Learn how other couples have gracefully managed menopause, with their personal stories about this natural part of a woman's life.
“What I Wish My Husband Knew About Menopause”: An Expert Doctor’s Recommendations as Two Couples Reflect
Updated Aug. 12, 2024
Every year, more than two million women in the United States enter menopause, with millions more managing the symptoms for an average of seven years (but up to 14, according to the National Institute on Aging).
Jessica Shepherd, MD, MBA, FACOG, a board-certified OB/GYN, menopause thought leader and women’s health expert, highlights the importance of understanding menopause well before it begins—not just for women, but for their partners, too. “That’s why perimenopause is a wonderful time to explore the changes that may be coming,” Dr. Shepherd says, “and how to create vitality, longevity, and a clear understanding of the changes in hormones which can impact women, physiologically, emotionally and sexually,” she explains.
Lori is from Pittsburgh, PA, and is now on the other side of this transition. She reflects: “Looking back, I wish Alan and I had dug into this a bit more together. I had a handle on what was happening, but really preparing for it together would’ve smoothed the road for us both.” Alan agrees: “I knew about the hot flashes, but didn’t realize just how emotional this time would be … I could’ve been more supportive if I’d been clued in about everything [Lori] was going through.”
Ahead, Lori and Alan—along with Denise and Robert, a couple from Fort Lauderdale, FL—explore what they wish the husbands had known about menopause as they share 50 years of marital history combined. Dr. Shepherd chimes in with wisdom on how more couples can manage through this sensitive but powerful era together.
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Understanding menopause
For couples, a good starting point is understanding exactly what menopause is. “Menopause is the clinical term for the cessation of menses after 12 consecutive months,” Dr. Shepherd explains. She continues, “This means that estradiol levels have dropped to a point where they no longer trigger a menstrual period.” (“Estradiol” is another name for estrogen.) This decline in hormone levels signifies the end of a woman’s reproductive years, typically occurring between the ages of 45 and 55.
Hot flashes, a well-known symptom of menopause, happen because the drop in estrogen disrupts the body’s ability to regulate temperature, causing sudden feelings of heat and bouts of sweating. However, menopause involves more than just hot flashes. Other common symptoms stemming from the decrease in estrogen include:
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Night sweats
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Sleep disturbances
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Irritability
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Decreased libido
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Vaginal dryness
Being aware is the first step toward providing better support for your partner, which can help both the relationship and overall emotional wellness for both.
Menopause affects the brain
Many couples might have a chuckle at this heading above—You think?! Mood changes are commonly one of the biggest hurdles menopause presents.
There’s a scientific reason. The drop in estrogen during menopause can affect the brain’s neurotransmitters that help regulate mood. It’s not unusual for women to crave some alone time or just need a supportive listener. Lori explains, “Adjusting to these changes was tough. Sometimes, I just needed a moment alone to sort through my thoughts. Alan always wanted to jump in and solve everything, but often, I wasn’t looking for solutions—I just needed him to be there and listen.”
Alan laughs as he remembers, “It took some time, but I finally got it—sometimes, the best support I could offer was just to listen.”
Marriages can hit rocky patches that feel almost like you’re on the brink of a breakdown. Dr. Shepherd advises that one of the best ways to strengthen your relationship during menopause is through open communication about the changes happening and how they affect both of you.
Lori and Alan made it a point to set aside specific times for conversations, creating space for each to share their feelings and concerns openly. They made an effort to listen to each other without interruptions, a practice that actually strengthened their connection during menopause.
Jointly seeking support can help
If you’re familiar with the term “menopausal rage,” you know it’s linked to hormonal fluctuations that can wreak havoc on the brain’s neurotransmitters. When combined with emotional stress, these changes can lead to sudden outbursts of anger, unexpected crying spells, or even a sense of disconnection from family and friends.
Dr. Shepherd advises husbands to be supportive during this time. “Understand the changes that are occurring, which can come with communication with the healthcare provider and also talking about hormone replacement therapy,” she adds.
Denise and Robert experienced this firsthand. Robert recalls, “Things got so challenging that I went with Denise to her doctor’s appointment to talk about what we could do, and hormone replacement therapy came up as a possibility. Getting informed and involved really made a difference for us.”
In addition to hormone replacement therapy, Denise and Robert say they found the following helpful:
- Regular physical exercise: They incorporated regular walks after dinner that helped them unwind and reconnect.
- Mindfulness practices: They began each day with a short, five-minute meditation, setting the tone for the day ahead.
- A diet rich in phytoestrogens: Denise really focused on foods that could help balance her hormones. Some of her tips include adding flaxseeds to smoothies, oatmeal, or yogurt and incorporating whole grains like quinoa, as well as legumes such as chickpeas and lentils, into meals.
New approaches to intimacy
“What felt good before changed during this time,” Lori says. “Sharing that openly with [Alan] really helped us.”
She recalls that she often wished that Alan had understood sooner that her diminishing libido wasn’t a sign of waning desire for him, but rather a result of hormonal changes. Dr. Shepherd explains: “The change in hormones can decrease dopamine levels, which can impact libido and the desire to interact intimately with partners.”
Couples can maintain their sexual connection in menopause by communicating openly, adjusting to body changes, and considering new approaches to intimacy. This might include the use of lubricants or botanical oils formulated for intimacy, engaging in sex therapy, or exploring hormone replacement therapy.
Lori adds that focusing on the lead-up to sex also increased enjoyment.
It’s not just a phase
Menopause isn’t just a brief transition, but a big life change often bringing new interests and activities. Both couples say they have learned that it’s better to embrace this stage rather than fight it, seeing it as a chance for growth. It’s common for menopausal women to discover new hobbies or interests, and having a partner’s support can be incredibly uplifting.
Husbands can show their support in meaningful ways, such as purchasing supplies for that new hobby, sharing cooking duties or suggesting takeout to give their wife more time for her interests, or simply showing genuine enthusiasm for these new pursuits. These actions also introduce a fresh element of intimacy, allowing both partners to adapt to these changes together.
Encourage more discussion about menopause
“There needs to be more discussion around the menopause journey and transition, and that can come from communities as well as information that is shared in social settings and social media,” Dr. Shepherd emphasizes. One of the worst symptoms of menopause women face is the disconnect between mind and body, which often leads to confusion, concern and hesitancy.
Another issue is menopause fatigue—overwhelming tiredness that rest doesn’t seem to fix, affecting daily activities, mood and overall quality of life.
Dr. Shepherd points out that treatments are available to help manage some of these menopause symptoms. These range from supplements like black cohosh, ashwagandha, and ginkgo extract to hormone replacement therapy, which aims to restore levels of hormones such as estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. Always consult with your doctor to determine if these options are right for you.
Remember, each woman’s menopause journey is unique, and although it comes with its ups and downs, that doesn’t mean it can’t be a beautiful experience. A listening ear, the ability to adapt, and steadfast support can go a long way.
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Originally Published: August 12, 2024
